


I still want you

by sparkinmybonfireheart



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, crisscolfer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 01:11:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4000282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinmybonfireheart/pseuds/sparkinmybonfireheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s crowded. It’s crowded and loud and Chris doesn’t like being here, but he promised Ashley he would finally get out of the house and stop whining about Darren.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I still want you

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I write this angsty stuff. Maybe the fact that I wrote this at 2 am has something to do with it? Anyway...consider yourself warned.
> 
> thanks to Lynne for beta reading, I know you hate me just a tiny bit now... I'll make it up to you!
> 
> Enjoy reading!

It’s crowded. It’s crowded and loud and Chris doesn’t like being here, but he promised Ashley he would finally get out of the house and stop whining about Darren. Well, at least he was whining silently.

Actually, when he thinks about it, he wasn’t whining at all. Not when he was home alone, surrounded by memories and more space than he could bear, silence as loud as thunder in his ears. He didn’t even make a sound. He just sat there and didn’t feel a goddamn thing.

He tried to hide it at first, but the minute she saw them together, Ashley just knew. He couldn’t keep it from her. They couldn’t keep it from anybody, really. The way they weren’t wrapped up in each other said it all. He didn’t want to talk about it, but really? Their friends didn’t need words at all.

Chris tries to keep low profile and snatches a drink at the bar before scanning the room. Great, Ashley’s nowhere to be seen. Maybe he could just sneak off and …

“Hey, man.” Chord appears in his line of view. He shoots Chris an uneasy smile and starts fidgeting with his drink. “You okay?”

Chris tenses and grips his glass a little tighter. He’s nowhere ready to have these conversations. His throat tightens. Damn.

“I’m fine.” He nods and tries to smile. Chord isn’t buying it, though. The dark circles under Chris’ eyes make it very clear: he’s everything but fine.

“He misses you, you know.”

Oh, God. Why did he ever think it was a good idea to come to a cast party? He should have called in sick. He swallows.

“I don’t know what to say.” He just leaves it at that.

“Chris…”

Suddenly he feels sick. “Chord, I can’t do this right now.” He turns around and walks away. Lea catches his eye, so he takes another turn, only to bump into Harry. He tries to dodge Heather and Naya and by the time he reaches the balcony he’s almost hyperventilating. There has to be some room, some place, anywhere he can go and not be cornered by good intentions.

“Chris?” Darren’s voice is soft, soothing and Chris’ pulse reacts immediately. He feels Darren’s hand on his wrist and it’s tight, too tight, but he can finally breathe. So that’s what he does. He tries to concentrate on the cool night air that fills his lungs, but he’s still panting.

“Chris, sweetie? You need to calm down.”

He tries to even his breath. “Don’t call me that.” He feels a pang in his chest when he says it. He doesn’t take it back though, he can’t.

Darren sighs. “Breathe, Chris, just breathe.” He rubs his thumb across Chris’ wrist. He knows it calms him, it always does. It’s no different tonight.

“You’re tense.”

It’s not a question.

Chris closes his eyes. How did he ever get into this mess? “I shouldn’t have come tonight.”

“Why not?”

Chris finally turns around. His shoulders slump and his chest goes tight. Darren looks absolutely gorgeous and Chris didn’t think it would knock him off his feet like that, but it does. Darren’s just wearing some plain jeans and a t-shirt and he probably didn’t even shave, but he’s handsome all the same. There’s something in his eyes though and Chris knows what it is. He knows he put it there. He wishes he could take all the sadness and hurt and make it go away, but he can’t. This is too hard, it’s too complicated.

Darren tugs at his shirt and Chris goes willingly. Damn this man, this gorgeous man.

“Let me hold you.”

Chris shakes his head, no. “Please. Don’t do this. Please, Darren, don’t.”

“Why not?”

Chris swallows. His voice is hoarse. “Because I can’t resist.”

Darren’s fingers tremble when he reaches out. “Let me hold you, baby.”

Chris shakes his head furiously. “No!” Then Darren’s hands are on his shoulders and he’s lost. “No.” He whispers again. “No.” He leans into the touch and buries his head in the crook of Darren’s neck. “We broke up.”

“I know.”

Chris sighs. “We can’t keep doing this.”

Darren’s voice is small when he answers. “I know.”

*

Chris wants to leave, he really does, but he seems to be glued to Darren’s side somehow. It’s the safest place to be. He ignores the curious and worried glances and even the heavy feeling in his heart when he tangles their fingers together. Just one night. One more night.

Darren squeezes his hand. “Dance with me?”

“One dance.”

Darren nods. “One dance.”

They don’t talk after that. Darren tugs Chris close, one hand holding the back of his neck, while the other slides down the small of his back. There’s no space between them, no space at all. Chris drops his head on Darren’s shoulder and then all he can do is surrender.

They don’t talk when they leave either. Chris stares at the ground when Darren takes his hand and leads him to his car. It’s only when he’s pressed up against his own front door that he allows himself to speak his mind.

“I still want you.” He doesn’t like to admit it, but he’s tired and sad and there’s only honesty now.

Darren just looks at him and bites his lips. He feels lost. Lonely.

Chris doesn’t know how to fix this. He can’t fix this, so he comforts Darren the only way he knows how to right now. His hands are shaking when he tries to unlock the door and it takes a calming touch from Darren to ease his mind.

He’s okay after that. He is. He doesn’t even flinch when Darren moves closer to unbutton his shirt. They don’t talk about it when they immediately head for the bedroom. Chris’ breath only hitches a little when he feels his shirt sliding over his shoulders. He does close his eyes when Darren’s fingers graze his skin, though. It’s almost too much to bear.

“You’re beautiful, baby.” Darren presses a soft kiss on Chris’ shoulder and then pushes back a loose strand of his hair. 

Chris doesn’t say anything. He can’t. Darren makes him lay down on the bed. He takes off his own shirt in one go and crawls over Chris’s body. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Darren knows this doesn’t mean they’re back together. He knows this is just a one-time thing. He also knows that it shouldn’t be.

When they kiss, it’s slow, but firm and Chris holds on tight. He wants to melt into Darren, he would crawl into his skin if he could. He tries to keep his emotions at bay, but he can’t stop his shaking hands and he knows Darren notices when he swallows a few times.

“I’ve got you now. You’re with me now.” Darren whispers in Chris’ ear and his breath is warm and his touch soothing.

Chris tries not to think too much. He tries not to think about the moment Darren has to leave, about the moment he’ll be alone again. His house will be too big and too empty again and he knows he won’t be able to stand it.

“You’re quiet.” Darren slides his tongue down Chris’ neck and bites down softly. It makes Chris gasp for air.

“Did I hurt you?” Darren looks at him and there’s worry in his eyes. It’s almost enough to make Chris cry. Almost. He bites back all emotions that are boiling in his gut right now. There’s not enough room to deal with them, his heart feels too full.

“You didn’t.” He slides his fingers along Darren’s temple. “Then again it always does.”

Darren tugs Chris closer. He knows he’s not talking about the biting right now. 

“Let me make you feel better, if only for a little while?”

Chris sighs. “You always do.” He grabs Darren’s curls and tugs hard. It makes Darren moan low in his throat and then Chris’ mouth is on his and they’re done talking. All the clothes come off until there’s nothing left between them. Their bodies collide, arms and legs tangling until they can’t take the heat anymore. Chris reaches into his nightstand and hands over a bottle of lube.

Darren hesitates. “Are you sure?” Chris doesn’t like to bottom. He hardly ever does.

Chris avoids his look at first, but then he resigns. There’s no need for hiding here.

“I want to feel you, Dare. I need to feel you.” His eyes wander but Darren nods and grabs Chris’ face to make him focus.

“I won’t be rough though, I won’t hurt you.” His lips barely touch Chris’ collarbone and he notices the goosebumps on the pale, soft skin as Chris shivers all over.

“Please fuck me.” Make love to me. Hold me. Chris almost chokes on all the things he can’t say, but it’s hard enough as it is. They still need to say goodbye in the morning, so he swallows those greedy words and doesn’t speak anymore. He tries to feel instead.

Darren uncaps the bottle and then searches Chris’ face. He know this is a bad idea. It’s emotional sex, too emotional to be good for them in any way and he knows they’ll both regret it in the morning. It’ll hurt too much and they’ll both be devastated by the emptiness it’ll leave behind. They need this now though, and he isn’t strong enough to say no. He isn’t strong enough to deny Chris what he really needs, so he spreads Chris’ legs a little further and kisses his thigh. They lock eyes when he pushes his fingers inside and he just knows he’ll never have a connection like this with anybody ever again. It’s getting to him and he crashes their mouths together, so he won’t have to think anymore. He just lets his body take over.

It’s all a bit of a blur after that. They moan into each other’s mouths, nipping and licking and always desperate for more. Chris feels full with Darren inside of him and he quietly pleads for harder and more. He almost blacks out when he comes, shuddering with the force of it and he can’t even move when Darren collapses on top of him, sweaty and panting. Darren is so beautiful it’s just ridiculous.

“You okay?” Darren tries to move to slide out of him, but Chris grabs his neck and looks at him. 

“Please… a little longer.”

So they wrap their arms around each other and stay close until they’re cold and sticky and uncomfortable.

“I’ll get something to clean us up, Chris.” Darren can’t hide the tremor in his voice, he knows the sadness is already creeping in, if it wasn’t already there to begin with. He also knows he can’t stop it.

Chris hears Darren’s bare feet on his bedroom floor and a few moments later there’s the soft ‘thump’ of the door and then there’s water running.

That’s when he loses it. He turns his face to muffle the sounds in his pillow and starts sobbing so violently his stomach hurts with it. A few minutes later he feels arms around him and he doesn’t even try to hide. Darren rolls him onto his back and cleans him up carefully. He’s gentle when he wipes Chris’ face and he presses a soft kiss on his lips when he’s done. Then he pulls up the sheets and tugs Chris closer.

“Sleep now, baby.”

Chris sighs. His heart is heavy and he doesn’t know how to handle this, but for now, the only thing he can focus on is Darren’s touch. His fingers slowly caress his chest and Chris feels his eyes fluttering. He should be worrying about this, he really should, but he’s warm and he’s loved, at least for today. He is loved. Something in his mind tells him he should think about this, but his mind is also foggy and slow and there’s always tomorrow. The soft humming of Darren’s voice gently lulls him to sleep.


End file.
